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I have been back and forth from the hospital for the last few days. My dad is in ICU, and I don’t really feel like explaining why, but it’s very, very serious.
But that isn’t what I want to write about.
There are two things that I always forget to tell people when I’m in the middle of something heavy that I always wish I could remember, because when people ask me what I need, I always gape stupidly and then shrug: “I think I’m okay.”
In reality, there are two things I need, and in hard times, I think these two needs are pretty universal. At least, for introverted women–I won’t speak for everyone else (and if you’re an introvert and female and this doesn’t apply, sorry for misrepresenting you. Also, you are strange). So I offer these two things because a) I’ll never remember to tell you when you actually, you know ask and b) if you know someone who is hurting and desperately want to help, these are two totally appropriate and welcome ways that you can offer support.
Simple comforts:
such as clean socks and underwear and a cup of hot tea. In calmer moments a good book, internet access, nice-smelling moisturizer and a comb are good. These may seem trivial, but they are not; they are foundational for feeling sane. In crisis-time, everyone tells you “Just make sure you eat and sleep.” But you can’t necessarily. If you’re like me, you’re doing well to choke down a few crackers because you feel like your stomach is on a ferris wheel that occasionally gets stuck at the top before jolting forward again (though, I will grant you, Braden force fed me a piece of wheat toast topped with avocado yesterday because he said I needed my Omega 3s, and I did feel better). Ditto with sleep: you may want it, but that doesn’t mean that you’re going to get it or that it will actually do any discernible good even if you do. Clean socks, however, can make you feel like a new person.
Keep it to yourself.
When things are really, truly awful, people who try to be encouraging rarely make things better. The best thing you can offer is some iteration of “I love you” or “I’m praying” or “I’m here.” Don’t say “look on the bright side” or “things will be fine” or “you’ve just got to keep hoping”–this downplays the seriousness of the fear and hurt a person experiences during a crisis. If you don’t have anything truly useful to say (you don’t), sometimes it’s best just to leave it at a hug.
What it comes down to is, if you want to help a hurting friend, bring them some cleans socks and then sit down and hush. I promise you, though it seems simple, to your friend it spells L-O-V-E in giant letters.
